Topic 6: 10 Ways to Grow Closer to Your Spouse

     Hello everyone! I hope that you all had a good week this past week! I know that I did! If you read last week's post then I sure do hope that it helped you to remember some good things about your spouse. I have found that writing things down, especially feelings and thoughts, helps me to stay anchored and not lose sight of things. I would encourage you to write down how you feel as you are on your journey to becoming a better spouse.   

     For those of you that are wondering how this week's topic goes "hand in hand" with last week's, the answer is that they complement each other. There are times that you might feel like you're losing your spouse or growing apart from them. This might even be the reason that you are questioning why you chose who you chose. If that is the case then simply remembering why you married them might not be enough to help you. That being said here are ten things that my spouse and I do to grow closer and stay close to each other.

 #1 Cook and Eat Together 

      One of my favorite things to do with my wife is picking out a meal and then working together on the making of it. There is just something magical about working together to accomplish something. We then sit down and eat together. One of the things that I love is that Brandi is adamant about spending quality time at the table. No phones, no computers or books, just us.

#2 Wake Up and Fall Asleep Together

     There are times when you will have different schedules. There was a time that Brandi had class at eight in the morning and I had work at nine thirty. I usually would sleep until around eight thirty and then get up and get ready for the day. Brandi asked me if I would get up with her at six thirty while she got ready for school, which I did. I noticed that not only did it make Brandi happier, but I myself felt happier getting to spend that time in the morning with my wife.

     Falling asleep together is vital. Once again if you have different schedules then find a way to make this step happen. There is nothing more amazing than lying next to the person that you love and falling asleep together. This step is small, but it really makes a large difference.

#3 Hold Hands When You Are In Public

     This is advice that I got from an older gentleman. I have tried it and it really changes the feel of being out and about with your spouse. Even if you are a little bit skittish about showing affection in public, you need to try this. Doing this helps you to feel connected with your spouse on a physical and emotional level even though your eyes and ears may be taking in the things around you. It makes your spouse feel like you are proud to be theirs. Try it out, you won't regret it.

#4 Dance Together

     I am not a very good dancer, just so that you know, but sometimes when Brandi is feeling down or when I want to just have some fun with her we turn on music and dance. Normally we play the song from our first dance and slow dance a little bit. If we are feeling extra adventurous we will play some techno, classical, or waltz music as well and make a two person dance party out of it (three if you count our dog).  It is a lot of fun, dancing really helps you to let loose and enjoy each other.

#5 Say "I Love You" At Least Twice A Day 

      Before I got married I heard all of the time that you should tell your spouse that you love them at least once a day. I don't agree, I think that you should tell them at least twice a day. I tell Brandi that I love her when we wake up and when we go to bed. It's not a routine thing, it just feels natural to start and end the day expressing how I feel about my wife. Obviously you can tell them more than twice a day, but your minimum should be two times per day.

#6 Pray Together 

     President Thomas S. Monson of the LDS church says "the family that prays together stays together". I believe this with all of my heart. Brandi and I pray at every meal, and we pray in the morning and at night. Obviously you should pray for yourself, but pray with your spouse sometimes. Brandi and I pray out loud and take turns so that we both get the opportunity to speak with our Heavenly Father. Praying together is important because it is a time that you can share your concerns with God. Praying specifically for your spouse to help them overcome any challenges that they are having and for your marriage really helps your spouse to feel like you care. Not to mention that you are vocalizing your feelings and asking help from your Creator.

#7 Continue Dating

     You may be married, but there are still aspects of your spouse that you don't know or need to get to know better. You and your spouse need to continue dating, get to know each other even better. Brandi and I find joy in setting aside time to be together, just her and I, doing something that helps us to feel the connection that we have. Try and mix it up, try new things, have fun with each other! You are with the most important person in the world to you, help them to feel that. Try and make it a regular thing, go out once a week.

     Make your dates about your relationship, you are dating to keep your relationship happy. In today's world there are so many distractions, try and cut as many of those out as you can. For example Brandi and I will either leave our cell phones in the car or turn them off, just to be able to not worry about anybody but us and our time together.

#8 Spend Time "Alone"

     Life is busy, there is a lot of "stuff" to do, from work to going grocery shopping. It is important to spend time alone together. Dates can count, but I'm talking about non-planned events. Go on an Sunday walk together. Cuddle up and just talk. Go on out on a drive. You get the idea. It's important to just have that time to connect and talk to each other. I don't have kids (yet) but I can imagine that it would be nice to have some alone time if you do have children. Escape for a time, even if it is only fifteen minutes, take the time to get away.

 

#9 Be Chivalrous

     I feel like this one kind of speaks for itself. Men, do the little things. Simple as that. Open the door for her. Let her in and out of the car. Order her meal when you are at a restaurant. Pull out her chair. Do anything that you can think of to do for her to make her feel special. The most important part of chivalry isn't doing it because she expects it. You should do it to show her that you care about her, because you do! You wouldn't be reading this blog if you didn't. Show her. She needs you to show her. This is just one small way that you can.

#10 Have Some "Play Time"

      Once again, this is another way to connect with your spouse. Let your kids join in on this one too if you would like. The object of playing together is just having some good old fashioned fun! Play board games, card games, and if you are in to it some video games together. You can even wrestle or make a game up! Playing is a great way to exercise your relationship. Games are fun, but they also create memories. So take the time to wind down and have some relaxed fun time with your spouse. I promise, you won't regret it.

     There you have it! 10 ways that you can grow closer to your spouse. I hope that you found something in the list helpful. What are some things that you and your spouse do to grown closer to each other? Thank you for reading! Come back next week, I'll have number seven of the 50 Things That I have Learned About Marriage up next Monday, February 22nd. I'll see you then!

Topic 5: Why Did I Pick This One?

     There are times during a marriage that you will question why you married who you married. It is not because you do not think that they are still the right one, it is more because it is human nature to question your decisions. It is times like these that I try and remember my days as a not married man and what I was looking for in a spouse. I have learned that it is not bad to question my decision in who I married because it is completely normal! At the end of the day I know that I picked the right one, here is why.

     Before you get married you ought to have at least some kind of idea about what traits and qualities you want in your spouse. For some it is just a knowledge of attributes that you like and dislike. For others it is a very specific list of qualifications. I was a mixture of both, I even had a pretty long list of qualities that I wanted in my future eternal companion. There was one event that made me change my list completely, that is a day that I will never forget.

     I was wrapping up my time as a full time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Every missionary that was getting ready to go home was invited in to have an interview with the Mission President, the man that oversees all of the missionaries in your mission and is in charge of their spiritual welfare as well as various other aspects of their lives. Anyway, it was my turn to be interviewed by my Mission President. He invited me in to his office and asked me to have a seat. Once I did we began the interview with a prayer so that our conversation could be directed by the Holy Ghost. When the prayer ended he began to ask me a series of questions about my future goals. What I wanted my career to be, how I was going to stay active in the church, and how I was going to know when I had found the woman that I was going to marry. We'll skip over the first two subjects, simply because they are not why we are here. The third subject that we spoke about, how I was going to know when I found the right one, went something like this. I had a list of around 30 attributes when I walked in to that interview. After telling my Mission President a couple of them he began to give me some advice. The thing that really amazed me was just how simple it was to know when you have found the one. He told me that I should condense my list down to five attributes. The key to these five attributes was that they were to be things that I needed my wife to have, to keep me being the person that I wanted and needed to be. They were also non negotiable, meaning if someone that I was dating didn't poses all five attributes then she was not the one. I was advised not to cheat myself, to stick to it and demand all five. It sounds a little bit harsh, but I believe with all of my heart that it led me to the amazing woman that I have in my life today.

     The most important thing for me was the size of the list. If you have more that ten attributes that you demand that somebody has before you will marry them, odds are that you will be looking for a long time. However, five attributes is perfect. Think about it, there are enough that you can narrow it down to somebody specific, but few enough that you don't need to find a robot specifically programmed to your qualifications to actually get them all! It also makes you really think about what is most important to you. You can't really just throw down "must be shorter than me" because you are probably sacrificing something much more important for that simple preference.

     I am not going to tell you all of the things on my list, but I will tell you two of them. The very first thing on my list was that she must put God above man. Meaning that she needed to live her life in a way that pleases God, regardless of what the world thinks. To this day if I randomly decided that I didn't feel the same way and started living in a way contrary to the Gospel, I know that Brandi would have a very hard time with that and do everything in her power to help me to come back. If I didn't, I know that she would try everything to get me back on track, but she would be heart broken. I love that about her. The second item on my list that she must treat her family well. The reason for this is that one day I will be her family, as will my children. I need a woman who will treat our family with respect and love. I feel like if she can't do that with her own family, she won't be inclined to do so with our family either. Once again, Brandi is wonderful with her family. She is wonderful with me and I have no doubt that she will be wonderful with our future children as well.
 
     When my Mission President told me to condense my list to five things I did not come up with all five in the same sitting. As a matter of fact it took me about a week to come up with them. I never really even stopped thinking about it during that week either. I spent a lot of time pondering what I demanded in a spouse. I prayed about it constantly. I know without a doubt that I was inspired in every one of those five attributes.

     That being said, when I actually set out to find a wife I held myself to my list. Did I make some mistakes along the way? Absolutely, but I knew that somewhere out there was my future eternal companion. Most of the time I was not actively searching, I was open to a relationship and kept my eyes "peeled" for anybody that fit what I was looking for. Then along came Brandi, if you want to read our story I shared it on my very first post titled "Allow Me to Introduce Myself".

     In the end every time that I reflect on my reasons for marrying Brandi, I know without a doubt that she and I are exactly where we need to be. I prayed about her, I compared her with my list, I evaluated how I felt about her, and I knew that she was the one. I have learned that by choosing who I married with careful consideration that I have nothing to fear or worry about in our future. If any of you are re evaluating your marriage, just think about why you married your spouse. For those of you who are not yet married or are looking for a spouse, I would encourage you to know what you need in a companion. Then take the necessary steps to be sure that they are the one. If you do that then when you come to the point in your marriage that you question your decision, you will know as I do, that you picked the right one and will have no reason to worry about your relationship.

      Please leave a comment, tell me how you feel. Thank you for reading this post, I hope that you could gain something from it. My next post will be up on February 15th, I'll let you know now that it will go hand in hand with this week's topic! Be sure to check it out. Have a great week and remember to be good to each other, no matter what.

My Brandi, with our dogs :)

    

Topic 4: How Can I Help My Wife to Feel Better About Herself?

Alright ladies and gentlemen, today's post is a little bit hard to put the right words to. I'm going to start off with a couple of questions. Have any of you ever needed to help your spouse to feel better about himself or herself? How do you approach that situation? How did you help them? What are some things that you need to watch out for when you're trying to help them? Well, I have been in that situation and I'm here to tell you that it's not very easy. It is however extremely important that you try to help them to feel better about who they are. Now, I'm no psychologist but I have been able to help my wife in small ways by using a couple of steps to help her to feel more confident. Here are the steps that I use to do that.
 
     The first step that I use it is researching ways to help her feel good about herself. I have looked at many articles and blogs with this goal in mind. We have access to the largest database in history just by getting on our computers and smartphones, so I use it! Some of the things that I have found that have helped me to help Brandi are telling her when she does well with a project, telling her when I think that she looks good (which is always), and letting her be the one to get things done.
 
     There are many people out there who tear themselves down when they think that they have failed to accomplish something. They convince themselves that they can't do anything and that they are just failures. The best way to help these people is to let them know that even though they may have messed up is to help them to see it does not matter. Everybody messes up, but what matters is whether you let it defeat you or you let it teach you how not to do it the next time around. Just be a good support.
  
     Tell them that they look good and mean it! The key to letting someone know that you think that they look good is to be sincere. If you are just saying empty words, they will know. Especially if they are anything like my Brandi, because she knows me too well and can see right through me. The flip side to that is if you are sincere they can tell, and it really helps to make them feel good about themselves.

     Letting them be the ones to get things done is HUGE. They have to be able to believe in them selves. If you never let them fail then they will never be able to succeed either. Let your wife do things for herself. I understand that you want to be all manly and not make your wife lift a finger, but more often than not it is detrimental to her feelings of self worth. So, let her do it if she wants to!
 
     The second step that I use to help my wife is by telling her that she is doing well as she is performing a specific task. For example, Brandi was being the best wife ever (as always) and packed our whole apartment when we were getting ready to move. Unfortunately I had to work full time and didn't have much time to help with packing. Whenever I was around while she was packing boxes I did my best to remind her of how good of a job she was doing. The result? She went complete beast mode and packed the entire house! There was no way that we could have left on the day that we needed to if she didn't succeeding in packing the house.
 
     The third step is probably the hardest for me because, after all, I am pretty stubborn sometimes. I think that it is the Cochenour (pronounced coke-an-hour) in me. This step is the step of letting her give the orders. I ask her what she wants done and then I do it her way. When I do this she is completely in charge. Brandi is a strong woman who knows what she likes and how she likes it done. The problem in this process is that I just take control of a lot of things and don't give her a say. She needs to have a say. If she does not feel like she has any control, then how is she going to feel like she can get things accomplished? The answer is that she cannot. She needs to give out the orders sometimes.
 
     The fourth is the final step, and I personally think the most important one, your spouse needs to know that she is loved no matter what. Yes I am talking about unconditional love. She can burn every meal from now to eternity or lack the physical strength to lift a box that is stored in the closet but, she needs to know without a doubt that your love for her is not based or her performance. No matter how good she is at cleaning the house or how much she knows about football you will never love them less for her weaknesses. I have a favorite scripture. It is in The Book of Mormon, the reference is Ether 12:27. The second sentence in this verse is the one that I really want to focus on. The sentence says: "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble". The Lord is literally saying that He has given us our weaknesses, they are a gift from Him! Do not ever let your spouse think that she is less than someone else because she has weaknesses that the other person doesn't have. Everybody has different strengths and weaknesses. Let your spouse know that she is supposed to be imperfect, that is what makes her perfect for you! We all have things to learn and weaknesses to build up and strengthen, that is why we are here. Her imperfections, like yours, are gifts from a loving God, she should be glad that she has them.
 
     Love your spouse, and help her to see the awesomeness that she already possesses! She is not perfect but that is great! She can do what ever she wants to, maybe with or maybe without help. The important thing is that she tries and that you support her unconditionally. Let her know that she is doing well, and lift her up when she falls down. Marriage is the best! I love helping my wife when she needs it and I love asking her for help when I need it! Help each other out this week, and lift each others confidence. Let me know what you thought of this post. Nobody has left a comment yet! What is up with that!? What do you to do help your spouse to feel better about them self? Let me know what you think and how you feel! My next post will be on February 8th, 2016 so hop on then to see what I will talk about next!

Thanks everyone!