Topic 3: How Should I Act With or Without My Wife Around?

     Alright guys, this is a topic that I think is EXTREMELY important. This blog in and of itself is not religious,  but the thing is that my religion is a huge part of my life and the way that my marriage functions. I will quote and add links to materials from my faith. Marriage should be a spiritual experience after all, spirituality is a huge part of this life as is family, they really should intertwine and compliment each other. So just a heads up. Now, should I act the same when I am away from my wife as I do when I am with her? The answer is absolutely. I'll share some instances with you, as well as beliefs to back this answer up.
   
     There is a document that the LDS church released in 1995 called The Family: A Proclamation To The World that states the church's stance on what a family is and what principles families should be based upon. In this document the Prophets and Apostles say "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

   
     We are going to focus on the first sentence first that quote, there are many many different subjects that branch off of this sentence. The one that we will focus on is the family being founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Christ teaches us that we should beware of hypocrisy. When you act one way with your spouse and then another way when you are not with them you are being dishonest with them and making them think that you are something that you may or may not be. Either way, somebody is not seeing the "real you". James 1:8 says "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." Your spouse needs you to be honest with them in everything, if you are not then your relationship will hit more rough patches than necessary because you are being unstable in some form or another.
   
     I have had experiences where I was tempted to act differently away from my wife than I do with her. For example, I had a job once where my co-workers thought that I ought to swear at least once before my last day there. I never did. My reason? Firstly because I do not enjoy how I feel when I swear. Secondly, because my wife would have been disappointed in me using that language even though she may have never found out.
   
     Going back to the quote from The Family: A Proclamation To The World, the second part says "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." Not all of those apply to this topic, but I feel like faith, respect, and love at the very least do. You have to have faith in Jesus Christ to found your family on his teachings. By having faith in him I feel like you try to do what he would want you to do, part of which is being consistent with who you are and constantly trying to make yourself better. Out of respect for your spouse you should be honest with who you are when you are with them. If you truly love them you won't hide who you are from them, you may feel the need to protect them from certain parts of you, but you should never ever be dishonest about who you are with them. I truly believe that you don't have to share every intricate detail of  your past with your partner. Like what exactly you said to your previous significant others, or some of your past mistakes. There are things that you don't need to dig up. What I do think is important though is that they know who you are as a person. They need to know what you are like, how you act, speak, think, and what you desire.
   
     The moral of the story is that your spouse needs to know who you are, not necessarily what exactly you have done in the past, but what to expect from you now. You need to be consistent in who you are regardless of whether or not they are around as well. More than anything it is to be fair to them. Don't be false with anybody. Just be yourself, they will understand and be there for you where you need help as well as be there in need of your help where you are strong. Your spouse is the most accepting person of you, just let them be so and don't hold back! Be the same no matter who you are with. Let me know what you thought of this post, comment below or email me! I would love some feedback! Remember, just be yourself, always!

Topic 2: Am I "Whipped"?

     We are just moving right along with these blog posts, it is crazy to think that this is my third one and that I need to post another one tomorrow! Anyway, this is topic number two and the topic for today is as you can see about being "whipped". Many guys don't like when this word is used to describe their part of the relationship, but is it really that bad? Why might it even be a good thing? Based on my experience it is actually an excellent quality to have. Let me explain.
   
     For any of you who do not know, being whipped is, as the urban dictionary says "being completely controlled by your girlfriend or boyfriend, in most cases a guy being completely controlled by his girlfriend." I am not sure if that is everybody's definition of it, the way that I have always viewed it is someone (boy or girl) being willing to do anything that their significant other asks and being controlled by them in that way. Don't get me wrong, there are obviously unhealthy types of control that some individuals exercise over others, but I'm just talking about doing anything for your significant other. I am going to admit some things to you all, some may say that I've lost my "man card" but I don't think so. There have been times in the past where Brandi has asked me if she can paint my nails or if she can put some makeup on me just for fun. Now, don't get me wrong I wouldn't say that I enjoyed it, but I will say that it made her feel really good just know that I'm not afraid to let her have some girly fun with me. After all she is a woman. She spends almost all of her time with me! She needs some kind of outlet for her female inclinations.
   
     There are some other things that letting her do to me would classify me as being "whipped". There are some people that would say that I'm "whipped" because I ask her if I can go out with the boys, or because I decide not to go out when she doesn't really want to be without me. My question is though, why is it such a big deal to be willing to do those things? I have learned that it's really not a  big deal. My wife is my best friend, and she supports me in everything that I am ambitious about. I don't think that the word "whipped" is a word that should even be used, because in today's society you can't be faithful, loyal, or respectful to your spouse without being seen as being under her supreme control. Why is that?  I listen to my wife's point of view and respect her opinion, I also want to make her feel like I care about her and am willing to compromise with her. If that defines me as being "whipped" then you can call me what you will. However, I see it as being a good spouse. Being willing to submit to what your spouse wants and hopes for is part of what being married is all about! Even though I have missed out on some fun with the boys and have had my nails painted and had makeup on my face, I don't feel any less manly or any less conscious of what I want because I submit to what my wife wants or needs. Respect her decisions and be equal partners in planning for events. You need to communicate things to her even if it is just you going out to be with your friends.
   
     We are going to end here, but for all of those who think that their friends are weak or that they themselves are weak for being "whipped" just think about this, would you want your significant other to make sure that you are okay with them going out or letting you have your kind of fun with them when you need to express yourself? Obviously there are more ways to be "controlled" by your partner and more aspects of your life that are encompassed by this subject. I think most of us will find that we are all "whipped" in one way or another, and I think that we should all realize that it is not always a bad thing. Just think about that this week and comment or write me your thoughts on this topic! I would love to hear what you all have to say!

Did I take her to a Harry Potter Halloween party because she wanted to go? Why yes, yes I did!

Topic 1: Communication? Do we even need to discuss this?

     Well, this is the first of the 50 Things That I Have Learned About Marriage. This is a topic that I believe every couple struggles with in some form or another.
     So, why is there the need to communicate everything? In my marriage we do our best to share with eachother information about work, school, finances, church, our thoughts, emotions, what we have going on this week, and even what's happening on our Facebook account. Being newly married makes this very challenging at times! I myself have caused disruptions in our communication on countless occasions! From my lack of letting her know that I've transferred money from one bank account to another to not telling her my work schedule, and many (probably hundreds) of other occasions, I'm sure that you get the idea. Those are extremely small examples, but they are things that should be talked about and should not be overlooked! Not because your wife is controlling or invasive, but because she is your mutual partner and those things affect her, even if the only way that she is affected is in her knowledge of them. The thing is that even though they may be things that she doesn't need to know, they are things that she likes to know. Plus, I don't know about your wife but my wife remembers things much better than I do. I can't even count how many times she has reminded me to do things, that I told her I was going to do just for the sake of conversation, that I would have otherwise forgotten!
     Fortunately for me Brandi is extremely patient with my lack of vision and seeing the need to share the little things with her as well as the big things. However, I am getting better. I've learned from my mistakes and now make a concious effort to tell her everything. I've also learned that communication comes with time. I've tried to figure out why I wasn't given the gift of perfect communicational skills when we signed our marriage lisence. I guess it is one of those things that we are supposed to learn?
    Some of the things that I have noticed that have helped me communicate more efficiently are that there were things when we first got married that I didn't know needed to be communicated. Like that I need new socks because all of mine have holes in them. Why do I need to tell her that the bills were paid? Back to things she needs to know and things she likes to know, just tell her everything.
     What I have learned about communication is that it's not something that you use on a "need to know basis", not with your spouse anyway. Your wife is your better half, she is there to help you feel better when work was rough. She is there to ask you to help with the dishes or dinner. Just like you are there to help her fall asleep when she is scared or grab her the oil because it's in the cupboard above the stove and she's too short. You have got to talk to eachother! It doesn't matter if you feel stupid or are afraid of what your spouse might think, they ALWAYS need to know what's going on. Trust me, it helps to talk and inform each other of new news or information, so open up! If you find it hard or struggle opening up then let them know so they can help you work on it!
     I feel like that turned into a bit of a rant, I apologize for that. There is just one more thing that I have learned about communication that I would like to share. This is actually something that I learned from a seminar on CD that my grandparents gave us as a wedding gift. It talks about a concept called "content communication". What that means is you tell your spouse exactly what you are talking about the first time instead of expecting them to know. For example, if Brandi asks me to take out the trash directly instead of just telling me that it is full and expecting me to get the hint and do it, that's content communication! Sometimes I feel like us men just don't get it, or we want you to tell us exactly what you want us to do. There have been times that I've been completely oblivious to what someone has wanted me to do simply because when they told me that the "trash was full" I saw that it was full and agreed with them. Never did it cross my mind to take it out just because someone pointed out that it was full. Similarly, there have also been times (maybe out of my own stubbornness) that someone has told me "the trash is full" and I knew darn well that they wanted me to take it out but, I didn't let on simply because I wanted them to be straightforward with me and ask!
     When it comes down to it there are two sub-topics under communication that I have really learned help improve it as a whole. The first is that everything big and small needs to be shared no matter how important it is. The second is that content communication saves us a lot of confusion and misunderstanding.
     Thank you for reading this week's entry! If you even though that it was moderately interesting please share it and comment. I need your input, after all I guarantee you know something that I don't. Get on next week to see what the second thing I learned about marriage was! Have an open and communicative week!

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

     Hello world! The first thing that I will tell you about is myself, then I will explain the title of this blog so that you can better understand what to expect from me right now as well as in future posts.
     Alrighty! My name is Kyle Cochenour, I am 23 years old and am pretty "normal" (if there is such a thing). I come from what most would consider a very large family. I am one of six boys in my family, and the second oldest. If that's not big enough for you my father has 7 siblings who all have children, and my mother has 9 siblings most of which have children. Combined I have 23 aunts and uncles and in the neighborhood of 100 cousins. I was born in the state of Utah where I lived until I was about the age of 7. That is when my family moved to Arizona where they currently reside. My 3 youngest brothers (ages 8, 14, and 15) still live at home. My elder brother, 20 year old brother and I have all left home and are exploring new phases of life.
     I love playing music, I play 3 instruments (if I were better at the guitar I would say 4). The Electric Bass, the Double Bass (the big one that is played with a bow), and the Baritone (looks like a tuba sounds similar to a trombone). I was in symphonic as well as marching band all throughout high school as well as a couple of garage bands. It was the motivating factor that helped me to be involved socially during that time. I have always been a pretty soft spoken person, but I was especially quiet during that time.
     This is where things start coming around to where this blog comes in to play and my reasons for doing it. During high school I went on some dates and have a few girlfriends even, but there was one girl in particular that I never "dated" but always seemed to be around. We met at church around the age of 12. However, me being my quiet self I didn't really talk to her much although she always struck me as attractive. As the years went by we bumped in to each other at church, school, and other social events and became pretty good friends. My whole family knew her and my mom even invited her over to my house from time to time to babysit my younger brothers, hang out for a little while, and sometimes help out around the house. I was never around for any of that though, I spent a lot of time away from home. Anyway, she would run up and jump on my back in the school parking lot whenever she saw me there as well as always say "hi" whenever we passed each other in the school hallways. During our Junior year I even asked her out on a date! She accepted, so we went and ate hot wings at Native Newyorker and then went and saw the movie  "Clash of the Titans". That was the only date that we ever went on though. At one point I found out that she was interested in my older brother so I honestly gave up on ever being anything but friends with her.
     Eventually we graduated high school and went our separate ways with life. She moved to Tucson, Arizona for college and I served a full time mission for the LDS church in Buenos Aires, Argentina. During the time that I was gone (2 years) she decided that Tucson wasn't for her and moved back home. From there she left and lived in Hawaii for about 7 months, and from there decided to move to and study at BYU-Idaho. Keep in mind that I was in Argentina this whole time. For those of you who aren't familiar with BYU's school year, they have what's called a "three track system" which means that they have 3 semesters per year. To keep their students from not burning out they have you study for two semesters and then take one semester off. I arrived home to Arizona days after she started her second semester in Idaho.
     After a couple of months being home and being unemployed my older brother called me and offered me a job doing door to door sales during the summer of 2014 for a retailer of Directv. I snatched up the opportunity and began my first summer home knocking on people's doors in Texas, Kansas, and Nebraska. My plan was to never live in Arizona again, I was going to live in Utah! I think that Someone Else had a different plan for me though. Weeks before the summer season ended and I was going to live in Utah I felt like I needed to go home, back to Arizona. Which I did, thankfully.
     She went back to Arizona about a week before I did. The day that I got home my family told me that she had been over for dinner the night before. I thought about her off and on during the following week as I applied for jobs and figured out what I was going to do next with my life. That Sunday, August 10th was the day that would change my life forever.
     I got up that morning and got ready for church. As I drove she popped in and out of my thoughts, I hoped that I would get a chance to see her there. A few minutes before the meeting started I got up to use the restroom. On my way there I saw her, Brandi Harlan. The girl that I had known for years but hadn't seen for nearly 3 of them, was right in front of me. We exchanged an awkward hello as I rushed past her to go to the bathroom.
     After the meeting I asked her to come over to my house so that we could catch up and maybe watch a movie or something, to which she politely consented. After that the rest is history! We spent the rest of that day together as well as every day since. After a few weeks I asked her to be my girlfriend and a few months after that I got down on one knee in front of the castle at Disneyland and asked her to be my wife, lucky for me she liked me enough to say yes! We were married in the Gilbert, Arizona temple on February 14th, 2015 (yes, that is Valentine's Day). We have now been married for what will be 11 months in a couple of days now.  I can't imagine being happier with the woman that I am sharing my everything with. She amazes me every single day in more ways than one. You will all come to know her fairly well as you read my blog posts in the coming weeks and months.
     Now, let me explain my blog a little bit. Brandi has a blog, and a YouTube, and a vine, and a twitter, etc. and has so much passion for them that I though it might be fun to try having one myself. It also helps that she reminds me that I want a blog. That is why I made this blog. You may ask why about marriage, and why 50 Things I Have Learned About Marriage?
Frankly, my marriage is the most important thing in my life and as such is my favorite topic. Also, this blog is actually not for the readers, let me explain. My idea is that by having a blog that I have to be concious of every week I will really evaluate my marriage and myself more deeply than I normally would. In short, this blog is actually for me and my marriage, because of the nature of this blog my hope is to gain more insight into who I am as a man, husband, and future father and become better than I am.
     Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for anyone and everyone who reads what I have to say because who knows, maybe I can help someone in their marriage? Maybe one of you can help me in mine? I would love for either one to happen, and if not then hey, I made a blog to better myself and nobody read it, oh well. I want people to read my blog for one reason only and that is to learn from my mistakes and successes and maybe have a better relationship because of it.
     Also, 50 Things That I Have Learned About Marriage, there is one for every week in 2016. So every week I will post one thing that I have learned about marriage and when the year is over there will be 50!
     There you have it, the introduction is over! Now comes the fun part, let's write some blog posts! Oh, and by the way, feel free to comment any time on anything that I post, comments are not only welcome, they are encouraged. I want to better myself remember? Don't be afraid to give your input. Also, if you have any ideas or questions for future topics I would love to hear them. Thanks everybody! My first thing that I have learned about marriage will be posted on January 12th, 2016 so hop on then and see what it is! Thanks everybody!

This is Brandi and I at our high school graduation.

Here we are as a newly engaged couple :)

This was on our wedding day!