Topic 14: How should I speak to my wife?

     What language do you use around your spouse? How should you speak to your spouse? I know that these are probably easy to answer. That does not mean that we should avoid them. So let's talk about them!

     If you have read Topic 3 this relates in some aspects to the ideas shared in that post. Basically guys you should not be a different person with or without your spouse. Speak to them the way that you speak to everyone and visa versa, if you don't swear around your spouse then don't swear around anyone. Be consistent, that builds trust.

     In addition to that, your words need to uplift your spouse. Never speak down to them. I myself sometimes say things in a tone that is perceived as degrading. I don't mean to and I apologize immediately afterward because I don't want my wife to feel like that. The important thing is being concious of how your words affect your spouse. You are a team, you chose to love and cherish them forever. Remember that next time you are about to say something that may hurt their feelings.

     The moral of the story is to be honest with your spouse. Build them up in word and action. The whole point is to help one another to become more like our Heavenly Father, speak to your spouse in such a way that they will be able to feel that.

     Rmember, happiness starts in YOUR home! Have a great end to your week!

Topic 13: Overcoming Panic Attacks

     Oh hey! I'm happy that your back! Thanks for coming!

     As promised yesterday, today's post is about how to help your spouse with a panic attack.

     Panic atracks are hard to predict. They can come from a variety of things. They usually are initiated by fear of something, when that 'thing' pops up a sense of panic ensues.

     Yesterday we talked about anxiety. In my experience panic attacks are very similar. The key difference is that instead of calming your spouse with good energy, they need to feel safe and protected. This also depends on what triggered the panic attack.

     This is what I do to help Brandi whenever she is afflicted with a panic attack.

    Just like with anxiety I pull her close and breathe deeply to help her feel a sense of calm. After that I assure her that she is safe. "I'm right here", and "I've got you" come out naturally and seem to help. In essence you need to help them to feel comforted. Make them feel safe.

     One way to do that is "vanquish" their fear. You can do this by checking for more spiders if that is what they are scared of. Assuring them that they are indoors and safe when there is a storm outside. Whatever it may be, do what you can to make them feel safe! You can do it!

     Good luck, it takes work but I believe in you. Stay safe and remember, happiness starts in YOUR home!

Topic 12: How To Help Her Anxiety

     Thank you for helping me to have the motivation to write in this blog. It really is something important to me, every time you read I feel a boost of desire to write more.
    
     Anxiety and anxiety attacks, if you or your wife haven't felt both then you have likely felt at least one. I myself am rarely a victim of anxiety because things just don't get to me. They do get to my amazing wife though, she feels anxiety frequently and sometimes in the form of an attack.

     I am in no way perfect at calming her, but I have learned some ways that I can help her to calm down.

     Let's talk first about what NOT to do. Primarily, don't lose your patience. Your spouse needs you to have calming energy. Irritation, anger, and being impatient will not help in any way. As a matter of fact it will likely make the situation worse.

     Now, here are some things that I do to uplift my wife when she is feeling anxiety.

     The number one thing is to hold her close, she needs to feel that you are there for her. Next, I try and take long and deep breaths to help her feel a sense of calm, I also will ask her to breath with me to focus on something outside of her mind. After that I help her break down what it is that is causing her duress. If she has a huge list of things to do or not enough time to do the things that she needs we will break it down into a step-by-step process.

     For example, if she has 5 minutes to brush her teeth and make her bed I will tell her that realistically it will take around one minute and thirty seconds to brush her teeth. Which leaves three and a half minutes to make the bed, which is more time than it will take to complete that task.

     Helping her to not feel overwhelmed is the only thing that helps, whatever you need to do to relieve the pressure will be successful. I will often get Brandi's list of things to do and assign myself some of the things to help her feel less burdened.
It is a simple concept, just remember to be positive and help your spouse to feel that positivity. Those are some of the ways that I help my spouse to have a grip on her anxiety.

     Our next post will be up tomorrow, it will cover a similar topic, panic attacks.

     If this was helpful or if you have any suggestions please comment, I would love some additional advice. Have a great day! Keep in mind, happiness starts in YOUR home!

Topic 10: Why am I so weird!?

     Alright guys and gals, let's get a little bit crazy this week. Firstly I want to say, I am a little bit strange. Ask my wife, she'll tell you. Being married has made me notice the little things that I didn't even know that I did that are just, well, weird! Let's talk about how your quirks play into your relationship. Here we go!

      I am going to open up to you guys right now, you are about to learn some of my weird habits. Please, feel free to poke fun at my weirdness.

     I never noticed this before Brandi pointed it out, but how do you guys fold your clothes? I fold my shirts in half and line up the sleeves. Then I fold them into thirds and put them away like that! I also fold my pants in half across the waist. I then fold them into thirds length wise. Once again, that's just how I do it! I don't know why. What I do know is that I fold only my own cloths because we both are particular about how they are folded.

     Next up, I probably have one of the more childish ways of retorting to my wife. What I mean is, she could say something like, "Kyle, will you feed the dogs please?". To which I would likely respond "I do what I want". I do it in a playful way, most of the time I begin whatever the task is that was asked of me, it's just fun to give her a hard time you know? I frankly have no idea why I do that.

     I could go on for days with things that I do, but I'll wrap it up with this last one. The way that I make the bed. Yes, it is different that how my lovely wife does it. For me it's more about getting the bedding on the bed without wrinkles than actual functionality. I put everything on as it should go, but I usually don't tuck anything in (except the fitted sheet obviously). Brandi however likes to tuck the blanket around the bed so that it looks more clean. She also likes the sheet and blanket to be about halfway up the pillows so that her head pokes out, but she still gets full coverage. I had never even thought that much into it. As I said, if it's on the bed in the correct order and laid how it's meant to be then BOOM! It's done.

     I'm telling you these things because they are important to recognize in marriage. There is no "right" or "wrong" way of doing those things, only your way.  We are all weird in our own ways, that's what makes us unique. Be accepting! If your spouse does things a different way than how you would do them, you ought to laugh about it. You married that weirdo. Enjoy them! Marriage has enough stress without picking each other apart for such small and silly things. Laugh a little. That is my advice.

     Have a great day! Don't forget, happiness starts in YOUR home!

This was on our wonderful honeymoon!

Topic 8: How Can I Recognize Her Good Qualities?

     Welcome back everybody! I hope that all is going well for you. With all sincerity though, each of you matter to me. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. If at any time you have a request for a topic feel free to ask. I can alter my posts if you would like!

     Today's topic relates closely to topic 5: Why did I pick this one? Today's topic is: How can I recognize her good qualities?  I know for sure that marriage is not the easiest thing in the world. In fact, it's probably one of the hardest! Time goes by, along with life events, and you change. She changes. What's important really truly is that you take the time and make the effort to see the good in each other through those changes.

     The question is how, how do you see the good in your spouse when they are so different from the person that you married? I think that the answer lies within the idea of one word. Perspective. The reality is, if you expect your spouse to never change, you will be disappointed. We all change over time! With new experiences comes new knowledge which leads to a new way of thinking and ultimately, a new way of being. Understand that, don't try and be the same forever. Don't expect your spouse to do the same. What you should expect however, is change! As change occurs think about what you love about your spouse. It may or may not be different from something that you loved about them when you started your relationship.

     The point is to love the change. Accept that and then move past it. Focus on the good in your spouse. The key to recognizing a persons good qualities is to make a conscious effort to review the things that you like about them. Think about the little things that make you smile. Ask yourself, what do I like about my spouse? Be serious about it. If you don't think about what you enjoy about your spouse how do you plan to keep your relationship happy? Write down your thoughts in answer to these questions if you feel inclined to.

     The flip side to that is don't focus on the negative. Everybody has something negative about them (except me, but really). The only thing that comes from focusing on the bad things are bad feelings. Negatives are to be talked about and resolved. Positives are to be admired and embraced. That is what is important in seeing the good in anybody, especially the person that you spend all of your time with.

So when you find yourself asking, what good qualities does my spouse even have? Read this post, hopefully it can help you figure out how to answer that question.

Thanks for being part of this post! Let me know what you think!

Remember, happiness starts in YOUR home.

 Don't mind my goofy smile :)

Topic 11: Nothing Is Perfect, So Really Everything Is

     Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my blog posts, I know some of you are reading from across oceans and continents. Each time I see someone new I get super excited that you are reading my blog! Thank you again.
     Do any of you think that every aspect of your relationship past, present, or future is perfect? To those of you who answered 'yes' let me just say congratulations! I am pleased to hear that you are perfect! For the rest who said 'no' you will be happy to hear that pretty much everyone else answered the same.
     Perfection in every aspect of your relationship is nothing short of impossible, but that does not mean that your relationship is anything less than what it should be. My marriage for example has its struggles. I am far from perfect, my amazing wife is much closer than I am but even she makes mistakes. However, we love each other so much that we will do anything to lift each others burdens. We understand that we are imperfect, this understanding is what gives us strength to push through the rough times.
     If I have learned anything it is that there is perfection in the imperfection. We are so imperfect, but nothing in my life has ever been so perfect as my relationship with my wife.
     So next time things get hard, just remember that marriage in this life wasn't meant to be perfect, that is why it takes so much work. So work on it. I am so grateful to be married to such a beautiful and caring daughter of God. Have a great week! Comment your questions or anything else that you would like down below! I will talk with you all later! Remember, happiness starts in YOUR home!

Topic 6: 10 Ways to Grow Closer to Your Spouse

     Hello everyone! I hope that you all had a good week this past week! I know that I did! If you read last week's post then I sure do hope that it helped you to remember some good things about your spouse. I have found that writing things down, especially feelings and thoughts, helps me to stay anchored and not lose sight of things. I would encourage you to write down how you feel as you are on your journey to becoming a better spouse.   

     For those of you that are wondering how this week's topic goes "hand in hand" with last week's, the answer is that they complement each other. There are times that you might feel like you're losing your spouse or growing apart from them. This might even be the reason that you are questioning why you chose who you chose. If that is the case then simply remembering why you married them might not be enough to help you. That being said here are ten things that my spouse and I do to grow closer and stay close to each other.

 #1 Cook and Eat Together 

      One of my favorite things to do with my wife is picking out a meal and then working together on the making of it. There is just something magical about working together to accomplish something. We then sit down and eat together. One of the things that I love is that Brandi is adamant about spending quality time at the table. No phones, no computers or books, just us.

#2 Wake Up and Fall Asleep Together

     There are times when you will have different schedules. There was a time that Brandi had class at eight in the morning and I had work at nine thirty. I usually would sleep until around eight thirty and then get up and get ready for the day. Brandi asked me if I would get up with her at six thirty while she got ready for school, which I did. I noticed that not only did it make Brandi happier, but I myself felt happier getting to spend that time in the morning with my wife.

     Falling asleep together is vital. Once again if you have different schedules then find a way to make this step happen. There is nothing more amazing than lying next to the person that you love and falling asleep together. This step is small, but it really makes a large difference.

#3 Hold Hands When You Are In Public

     This is advice that I got from an older gentleman. I have tried it and it really changes the feel of being out and about with your spouse. Even if you are a little bit skittish about showing affection in public, you need to try this. Doing this helps you to feel connected with your spouse on a physical and emotional level even though your eyes and ears may be taking in the things around you. It makes your spouse feel like you are proud to be theirs. Try it out, you won't regret it.

#4 Dance Together

     I am not a very good dancer, just so that you know, but sometimes when Brandi is feeling down or when I want to just have some fun with her we turn on music and dance. Normally we play the song from our first dance and slow dance a little bit. If we are feeling extra adventurous we will play some techno, classical, or waltz music as well and make a two person dance party out of it (three if you count our dog).  It is a lot of fun, dancing really helps you to let loose and enjoy each other.

#5 Say "I Love You" At Least Twice A Day 

      Before I got married I heard all of the time that you should tell your spouse that you love them at least once a day. I don't agree, I think that you should tell them at least twice a day. I tell Brandi that I love her when we wake up and when we go to bed. It's not a routine thing, it just feels natural to start and end the day expressing how I feel about my wife. Obviously you can tell them more than twice a day, but your minimum should be two times per day.

#6 Pray Together 

     President Thomas S. Monson of the LDS church says "the family that prays together stays together". I believe this with all of my heart. Brandi and I pray at every meal, and we pray in the morning and at night. Obviously you should pray for yourself, but pray with your spouse sometimes. Brandi and I pray out loud and take turns so that we both get the opportunity to speak with our Heavenly Father. Praying together is important because it is a time that you can share your concerns with God. Praying specifically for your spouse to help them overcome any challenges that they are having and for your marriage really helps your spouse to feel like you care. Not to mention that you are vocalizing your feelings and asking help from your Creator.

#7 Continue Dating

     You may be married, but there are still aspects of your spouse that you don't know or need to get to know better. You and your spouse need to continue dating, get to know each other even better. Brandi and I find joy in setting aside time to be together, just her and I, doing something that helps us to feel the connection that we have. Try and mix it up, try new things, have fun with each other! You are with the most important person in the world to you, help them to feel that. Try and make it a regular thing, go out once a week.

     Make your dates about your relationship, you are dating to keep your relationship happy. In today's world there are so many distractions, try and cut as many of those out as you can. For example Brandi and I will either leave our cell phones in the car or turn them off, just to be able to not worry about anybody but us and our time together.

#8 Spend Time "Alone"

     Life is busy, there is a lot of "stuff" to do, from work to going grocery shopping. It is important to spend time alone together. Dates can count, but I'm talking about non-planned events. Go on an Sunday walk together. Cuddle up and just talk. Go on out on a drive. You get the idea. It's important to just have that time to connect and talk to each other. I don't have kids (yet) but I can imagine that it would be nice to have some alone time if you do have children. Escape for a time, even if it is only fifteen minutes, take the time to get away.

 

#9 Be Chivalrous

     I feel like this one kind of speaks for itself. Men, do the little things. Simple as that. Open the door for her. Let her in and out of the car. Order her meal when you are at a restaurant. Pull out her chair. Do anything that you can think of to do for her to make her feel special. The most important part of chivalry isn't doing it because she expects it. You should do it to show her that you care about her, because you do! You wouldn't be reading this blog if you didn't. Show her. She needs you to show her. This is just one small way that you can.

#10 Have Some "Play Time"

      Once again, this is another way to connect with your spouse. Let your kids join in on this one too if you would like. The object of playing together is just having some good old fashioned fun! Play board games, card games, and if you are in to it some video games together. You can even wrestle or make a game up! Playing is a great way to exercise your relationship. Games are fun, but they also create memories. So take the time to wind down and have some relaxed fun time with your spouse. I promise, you won't regret it.

     There you have it! 10 ways that you can grow closer to your spouse. I hope that you found something in the list helpful. What are some things that you and your spouse do to grown closer to each other? Thank you for reading! Come back next week, I'll have number seven of the 50 Things That I have Learned About Marriage up next Monday, February 22nd. I'll see you then!

Topic 5: Why Did I Pick This One?

     There are times during a marriage that you will question why you married who you married. It is not because you do not think that they are still the right one, it is more because it is human nature to question your decisions. It is times like these that I try and remember my days as a not married man and what I was looking for in a spouse. I have learned that it is not bad to question my decision in who I married because it is completely normal! At the end of the day I know that I picked the right one, here is why.

     Before you get married you ought to have at least some kind of idea about what traits and qualities you want in your spouse. For some it is just a knowledge of attributes that you like and dislike. For others it is a very specific list of qualifications. I was a mixture of both, I even had a pretty long list of qualities that I wanted in my future eternal companion. There was one event that made me change my list completely, that is a day that I will never forget.

     I was wrapping up my time as a full time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Every missionary that was getting ready to go home was invited in to have an interview with the Mission President, the man that oversees all of the missionaries in your mission and is in charge of their spiritual welfare as well as various other aspects of their lives. Anyway, it was my turn to be interviewed by my Mission President. He invited me in to his office and asked me to have a seat. Once I did we began the interview with a prayer so that our conversation could be directed by the Holy Ghost. When the prayer ended he began to ask me a series of questions about my future goals. What I wanted my career to be, how I was going to stay active in the church, and how I was going to know when I had found the woman that I was going to marry. We'll skip over the first two subjects, simply because they are not why we are here. The third subject that we spoke about, how I was going to know when I found the right one, went something like this. I had a list of around 30 attributes when I walked in to that interview. After telling my Mission President a couple of them he began to give me some advice. The thing that really amazed me was just how simple it was to know when you have found the one. He told me that I should condense my list down to five attributes. The key to these five attributes was that they were to be things that I needed my wife to have, to keep me being the person that I wanted and needed to be. They were also non negotiable, meaning if someone that I was dating didn't poses all five attributes then she was not the one. I was advised not to cheat myself, to stick to it and demand all five. It sounds a little bit harsh, but I believe with all of my heart that it led me to the amazing woman that I have in my life today.

     The most important thing for me was the size of the list. If you have more that ten attributes that you demand that somebody has before you will marry them, odds are that you will be looking for a long time. However, five attributes is perfect. Think about it, there are enough that you can narrow it down to somebody specific, but few enough that you don't need to find a robot specifically programmed to your qualifications to actually get them all! It also makes you really think about what is most important to you. You can't really just throw down "must be shorter than me" because you are probably sacrificing something much more important for that simple preference.

     I am not going to tell you all of the things on my list, but I will tell you two of them. The very first thing on my list was that she must put God above man. Meaning that she needed to live her life in a way that pleases God, regardless of what the world thinks. To this day if I randomly decided that I didn't feel the same way and started living in a way contrary to the Gospel, I know that Brandi would have a very hard time with that and do everything in her power to help me to come back. If I didn't, I know that she would try everything to get me back on track, but she would be heart broken. I love that about her. The second item on my list that she must treat her family well. The reason for this is that one day I will be her family, as will my children. I need a woman who will treat our family with respect and love. I feel like if she can't do that with her own family, she won't be inclined to do so with our family either. Once again, Brandi is wonderful with her family. She is wonderful with me and I have no doubt that she will be wonderful with our future children as well.
 
     When my Mission President told me to condense my list to five things I did not come up with all five in the same sitting. As a matter of fact it took me about a week to come up with them. I never really even stopped thinking about it during that week either. I spent a lot of time pondering what I demanded in a spouse. I prayed about it constantly. I know without a doubt that I was inspired in every one of those five attributes.

     That being said, when I actually set out to find a wife I held myself to my list. Did I make some mistakes along the way? Absolutely, but I knew that somewhere out there was my future eternal companion. Most of the time I was not actively searching, I was open to a relationship and kept my eyes "peeled" for anybody that fit what I was looking for. Then along came Brandi, if you want to read our story I shared it on my very first post titled "Allow Me to Introduce Myself".

     In the end every time that I reflect on my reasons for marrying Brandi, I know without a doubt that she and I are exactly where we need to be. I prayed about her, I compared her with my list, I evaluated how I felt about her, and I knew that she was the one. I have learned that by choosing who I married with careful consideration that I have nothing to fear or worry about in our future. If any of you are re evaluating your marriage, just think about why you married your spouse. For those of you who are not yet married or are looking for a spouse, I would encourage you to know what you need in a companion. Then take the necessary steps to be sure that they are the one. If you do that then when you come to the point in your marriage that you question your decision, you will know as I do, that you picked the right one and will have no reason to worry about your relationship.

      Please leave a comment, tell me how you feel. Thank you for reading this post, I hope that you could gain something from it. My next post will be up on February 15th, I'll let you know now that it will go hand in hand with this week's topic! Be sure to check it out. Have a great week and remember to be good to each other, no matter what.

My Brandi, with our dogs :)

    

Topic 4: How Can I Help My Wife to Feel Better About Herself?

Alright ladies and gentlemen, today's post is a little bit hard to put the right words to. I'm going to start off with a couple of questions. Have any of you ever needed to help your spouse to feel better about himself or herself? How do you approach that situation? How did you help them? What are some things that you need to watch out for when you're trying to help them? Well, I have been in that situation and I'm here to tell you that it's not very easy. It is however extremely important that you try to help them to feel better about who they are. Now, I'm no psychologist but I have been able to help my wife in small ways by using a couple of steps to help her to feel more confident. Here are the steps that I use to do that.
 
     The first step that I use it is researching ways to help her feel good about herself. I have looked at many articles and blogs with this goal in mind. We have access to the largest database in history just by getting on our computers and smartphones, so I use it! Some of the things that I have found that have helped me to help Brandi are telling her when she does well with a project, telling her when I think that she looks good (which is always), and letting her be the one to get things done.
 
     There are many people out there who tear themselves down when they think that they have failed to accomplish something. They convince themselves that they can't do anything and that they are just failures. The best way to help these people is to let them know that even though they may have messed up is to help them to see it does not matter. Everybody messes up, but what matters is whether you let it defeat you or you let it teach you how not to do it the next time around. Just be a good support.
  
     Tell them that they look good and mean it! The key to letting someone know that you think that they look good is to be sincere. If you are just saying empty words, they will know. Especially if they are anything like my Brandi, because she knows me too well and can see right through me. The flip side to that is if you are sincere they can tell, and it really helps to make them feel good about themselves.

     Letting them be the ones to get things done is HUGE. They have to be able to believe in them selves. If you never let them fail then they will never be able to succeed either. Let your wife do things for herself. I understand that you want to be all manly and not make your wife lift a finger, but more often than not it is detrimental to her feelings of self worth. So, let her do it if she wants to!
 
     The second step that I use to help my wife is by telling her that she is doing well as she is performing a specific task. For example, Brandi was being the best wife ever (as always) and packed our whole apartment when we were getting ready to move. Unfortunately I had to work full time and didn't have much time to help with packing. Whenever I was around while she was packing boxes I did my best to remind her of how good of a job she was doing. The result? She went complete beast mode and packed the entire house! There was no way that we could have left on the day that we needed to if she didn't succeeding in packing the house.
 
     The third step is probably the hardest for me because, after all, I am pretty stubborn sometimes. I think that it is the Cochenour (pronounced coke-an-hour) in me. This step is the step of letting her give the orders. I ask her what she wants done and then I do it her way. When I do this she is completely in charge. Brandi is a strong woman who knows what she likes and how she likes it done. The problem in this process is that I just take control of a lot of things and don't give her a say. She needs to have a say. If she does not feel like she has any control, then how is she going to feel like she can get things accomplished? The answer is that she cannot. She needs to give out the orders sometimes.
 
     The fourth is the final step, and I personally think the most important one, your spouse needs to know that she is loved no matter what. Yes I am talking about unconditional love. She can burn every meal from now to eternity or lack the physical strength to lift a box that is stored in the closet but, she needs to know without a doubt that your love for her is not based or her performance. No matter how good she is at cleaning the house or how much she knows about football you will never love them less for her weaknesses. I have a favorite scripture. It is in The Book of Mormon, the reference is Ether 12:27. The second sentence in this verse is the one that I really want to focus on. The sentence says: "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble". The Lord is literally saying that He has given us our weaknesses, they are a gift from Him! Do not ever let your spouse think that she is less than someone else because she has weaknesses that the other person doesn't have. Everybody has different strengths and weaknesses. Let your spouse know that she is supposed to be imperfect, that is what makes her perfect for you! We all have things to learn and weaknesses to build up and strengthen, that is why we are here. Her imperfections, like yours, are gifts from a loving God, she should be glad that she has them.
 
     Love your spouse, and help her to see the awesomeness that she already possesses! She is not perfect but that is great! She can do what ever she wants to, maybe with or maybe without help. The important thing is that she tries and that you support her unconditionally. Let her know that she is doing well, and lift her up when she falls down. Marriage is the best! I love helping my wife when she needs it and I love asking her for help when I need it! Help each other out this week, and lift each others confidence. Let me know what you thought of this post. Nobody has left a comment yet! What is up with that!? What do you to do help your spouse to feel better about them self? Let me know what you think and how you feel! My next post will be on February 8th, 2016 so hop on then to see what I will talk about next!

Thanks everyone!

Topic 3: How Should I Act With or Without My Wife Around?

     Alright guys, this is a topic that I think is EXTREMELY important. This blog in and of itself is not religious,  but the thing is that my religion is a huge part of my life and the way that my marriage functions. I will quote and add links to materials from my faith. Marriage should be a spiritual experience after all, spirituality is a huge part of this life as is family, they really should intertwine and compliment each other. So just a heads up. Now, should I act the same when I am away from my wife as I do when I am with her? The answer is absolutely. I'll share some instances with you, as well as beliefs to back this answer up.
   
     There is a document that the LDS church released in 1995 called The Family: A Proclamation To The World that states the church's stance on what a family is and what principles families should be based upon. In this document the Prophets and Apostles say "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

   
     We are going to focus on the first sentence first that quote, there are many many different subjects that branch off of this sentence. The one that we will focus on is the family being founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Christ teaches us that we should beware of hypocrisy. When you act one way with your spouse and then another way when you are not with them you are being dishonest with them and making them think that you are something that you may or may not be. Either way, somebody is not seeing the "real you". James 1:8 says "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." Your spouse needs you to be honest with them in everything, if you are not then your relationship will hit more rough patches than necessary because you are being unstable in some form or another.
   
     I have had experiences where I was tempted to act differently away from my wife than I do with her. For example, I had a job once where my co-workers thought that I ought to swear at least once before my last day there. I never did. My reason? Firstly because I do not enjoy how I feel when I swear. Secondly, because my wife would have been disappointed in me using that language even though she may have never found out.
   
     Going back to the quote from The Family: A Proclamation To The World, the second part says "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." Not all of those apply to this topic, but I feel like faith, respect, and love at the very least do. You have to have faith in Jesus Christ to found your family on his teachings. By having faith in him I feel like you try to do what he would want you to do, part of which is being consistent with who you are and constantly trying to make yourself better. Out of respect for your spouse you should be honest with who you are when you are with them. If you truly love them you won't hide who you are from them, you may feel the need to protect them from certain parts of you, but you should never ever be dishonest about who you are with them. I truly believe that you don't have to share every intricate detail of  your past with your partner. Like what exactly you said to your previous significant others, or some of your past mistakes. There are things that you don't need to dig up. What I do think is important though is that they know who you are as a person. They need to know what you are like, how you act, speak, think, and what you desire.
   
     The moral of the story is that your spouse needs to know who you are, not necessarily what exactly you have done in the past, but what to expect from you now. You need to be consistent in who you are regardless of whether or not they are around as well. More than anything it is to be fair to them. Don't be false with anybody. Just be yourself, they will understand and be there for you where you need help as well as be there in need of your help where you are strong. Your spouse is the most accepting person of you, just let them be so and don't hold back! Be the same no matter who you are with. Let me know what you thought of this post, comment below or email me! I would love some feedback! Remember, just be yourself, always!

Topic 2: Am I "Whipped"?

     We are just moving right along with these blog posts, it is crazy to think that this is my third one and that I need to post another one tomorrow! Anyway, this is topic number two and the topic for today is as you can see about being "whipped". Many guys don't like when this word is used to describe their part of the relationship, but is it really that bad? Why might it even be a good thing? Based on my experience it is actually an excellent quality to have. Let me explain.
   
     For any of you who do not know, being whipped is, as the urban dictionary says "being completely controlled by your girlfriend or boyfriend, in most cases a guy being completely controlled by his girlfriend." I am not sure if that is everybody's definition of it, the way that I have always viewed it is someone (boy or girl) being willing to do anything that their significant other asks and being controlled by them in that way. Don't get me wrong, there are obviously unhealthy types of control that some individuals exercise over others, but I'm just talking about doing anything for your significant other. I am going to admit some things to you all, some may say that I've lost my "man card" but I don't think so. There have been times in the past where Brandi has asked me if she can paint my nails or if she can put some makeup on me just for fun. Now, don't get me wrong I wouldn't say that I enjoyed it, but I will say that it made her feel really good just know that I'm not afraid to let her have some girly fun with me. After all she is a woman. She spends almost all of her time with me! She needs some kind of outlet for her female inclinations.
   
     There are some other things that letting her do to me would classify me as being "whipped". There are some people that would say that I'm "whipped" because I ask her if I can go out with the boys, or because I decide not to go out when she doesn't really want to be without me. My question is though, why is it such a big deal to be willing to do those things? I have learned that it's really not a  big deal. My wife is my best friend, and she supports me in everything that I am ambitious about. I don't think that the word "whipped" is a word that should even be used, because in today's society you can't be faithful, loyal, or respectful to your spouse without being seen as being under her supreme control. Why is that?  I listen to my wife's point of view and respect her opinion, I also want to make her feel like I care about her and am willing to compromise with her. If that defines me as being "whipped" then you can call me what you will. However, I see it as being a good spouse. Being willing to submit to what your spouse wants and hopes for is part of what being married is all about! Even though I have missed out on some fun with the boys and have had my nails painted and had makeup on my face, I don't feel any less manly or any less conscious of what I want because I submit to what my wife wants or needs. Respect her decisions and be equal partners in planning for events. You need to communicate things to her even if it is just you going out to be with your friends.
   
     We are going to end here, but for all of those who think that their friends are weak or that they themselves are weak for being "whipped" just think about this, would you want your significant other to make sure that you are okay with them going out or letting you have your kind of fun with them when you need to express yourself? Obviously there are more ways to be "controlled" by your partner and more aspects of your life that are encompassed by this subject. I think most of us will find that we are all "whipped" in one way or another, and I think that we should all realize that it is not always a bad thing. Just think about that this week and comment or write me your thoughts on this topic! I would love to hear what you all have to say!

Did I take her to a Harry Potter Halloween party because she wanted to go? Why yes, yes I did!

Topic 1: Communication? Do we even need to discuss this?

     Well, this is the first of the 50 Things That I Have Learned About Marriage. This is a topic that I believe every couple struggles with in some form or another.
     So, why is there the need to communicate everything? In my marriage we do our best to share with eachother information about work, school, finances, church, our thoughts, emotions, what we have going on this week, and even what's happening on our Facebook account. Being newly married makes this very challenging at times! I myself have caused disruptions in our communication on countless occasions! From my lack of letting her know that I've transferred money from one bank account to another to not telling her my work schedule, and many (probably hundreds) of other occasions, I'm sure that you get the idea. Those are extremely small examples, but they are things that should be talked about and should not be overlooked! Not because your wife is controlling or invasive, but because she is your mutual partner and those things affect her, even if the only way that she is affected is in her knowledge of them. The thing is that even though they may be things that she doesn't need to know, they are things that she likes to know. Plus, I don't know about your wife but my wife remembers things much better than I do. I can't even count how many times she has reminded me to do things, that I told her I was going to do just for the sake of conversation, that I would have otherwise forgotten!
     Fortunately for me Brandi is extremely patient with my lack of vision and seeing the need to share the little things with her as well as the big things. However, I am getting better. I've learned from my mistakes and now make a concious effort to tell her everything. I've also learned that communication comes with time. I've tried to figure out why I wasn't given the gift of perfect communicational skills when we signed our marriage lisence. I guess it is one of those things that we are supposed to learn?
    Some of the things that I have noticed that have helped me communicate more efficiently are that there were things when we first got married that I didn't know needed to be communicated. Like that I need new socks because all of mine have holes in them. Why do I need to tell her that the bills were paid? Back to things she needs to know and things she likes to know, just tell her everything.
     What I have learned about communication is that it's not something that you use on a "need to know basis", not with your spouse anyway. Your wife is your better half, she is there to help you feel better when work was rough. She is there to ask you to help with the dishes or dinner. Just like you are there to help her fall asleep when she is scared or grab her the oil because it's in the cupboard above the stove and she's too short. You have got to talk to eachother! It doesn't matter if you feel stupid or are afraid of what your spouse might think, they ALWAYS need to know what's going on. Trust me, it helps to talk and inform each other of new news or information, so open up! If you find it hard or struggle opening up then let them know so they can help you work on it!
     I feel like that turned into a bit of a rant, I apologize for that. There is just one more thing that I have learned about communication that I would like to share. This is actually something that I learned from a seminar on CD that my grandparents gave us as a wedding gift. It talks about a concept called "content communication". What that means is you tell your spouse exactly what you are talking about the first time instead of expecting them to know. For example, if Brandi asks me to take out the trash directly instead of just telling me that it is full and expecting me to get the hint and do it, that's content communication! Sometimes I feel like us men just don't get it, or we want you to tell us exactly what you want us to do. There have been times that I've been completely oblivious to what someone has wanted me to do simply because when they told me that the "trash was full" I saw that it was full and agreed with them. Never did it cross my mind to take it out just because someone pointed out that it was full. Similarly, there have also been times (maybe out of my own stubbornness) that someone has told me "the trash is full" and I knew darn well that they wanted me to take it out but, I didn't let on simply because I wanted them to be straightforward with me and ask!
     When it comes down to it there are two sub-topics under communication that I have really learned help improve it as a whole. The first is that everything big and small needs to be shared no matter how important it is. The second is that content communication saves us a lot of confusion and misunderstanding.
     Thank you for reading this week's entry! If you even though that it was moderately interesting please share it and comment. I need your input, after all I guarantee you know something that I don't. Get on next week to see what the second thing I learned about marriage was! Have an open and communicative week!

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

     Hello world! The first thing that I will tell you about is myself, then I will explain the title of this blog so that you can better understand what to expect from me right now as well as in future posts.
     Alrighty! My name is Kyle Cochenour, I am 23 years old and am pretty "normal" (if there is such a thing). I come from what most would consider a very large family. I am one of six boys in my family, and the second oldest. If that's not big enough for you my father has 7 siblings who all have children, and my mother has 9 siblings most of which have children. Combined I have 23 aunts and uncles and in the neighborhood of 100 cousins. I was born in the state of Utah where I lived until I was about the age of 7. That is when my family moved to Arizona where they currently reside. My 3 youngest brothers (ages 8, 14, and 15) still live at home. My elder brother, 20 year old brother and I have all left home and are exploring new phases of life.
     I love playing music, I play 3 instruments (if I were better at the guitar I would say 4). The Electric Bass, the Double Bass (the big one that is played with a bow), and the Baritone (looks like a tuba sounds similar to a trombone). I was in symphonic as well as marching band all throughout high school as well as a couple of garage bands. It was the motivating factor that helped me to be involved socially during that time. I have always been a pretty soft spoken person, but I was especially quiet during that time.
     This is where things start coming around to where this blog comes in to play and my reasons for doing it. During high school I went on some dates and have a few girlfriends even, but there was one girl in particular that I never "dated" but always seemed to be around. We met at church around the age of 12. However, me being my quiet self I didn't really talk to her much although she always struck me as attractive. As the years went by we bumped in to each other at church, school, and other social events and became pretty good friends. My whole family knew her and my mom even invited her over to my house from time to time to babysit my younger brothers, hang out for a little while, and sometimes help out around the house. I was never around for any of that though, I spent a lot of time away from home. Anyway, she would run up and jump on my back in the school parking lot whenever she saw me there as well as always say "hi" whenever we passed each other in the school hallways. During our Junior year I even asked her out on a date! She accepted, so we went and ate hot wings at Native Newyorker and then went and saw the movie  "Clash of the Titans". That was the only date that we ever went on though. At one point I found out that she was interested in my older brother so I honestly gave up on ever being anything but friends with her.
     Eventually we graduated high school and went our separate ways with life. She moved to Tucson, Arizona for college and I served a full time mission for the LDS church in Buenos Aires, Argentina. During the time that I was gone (2 years) she decided that Tucson wasn't for her and moved back home. From there she left and lived in Hawaii for about 7 months, and from there decided to move to and study at BYU-Idaho. Keep in mind that I was in Argentina this whole time. For those of you who aren't familiar with BYU's school year, they have what's called a "three track system" which means that they have 3 semesters per year. To keep their students from not burning out they have you study for two semesters and then take one semester off. I arrived home to Arizona days after she started her second semester in Idaho.
     After a couple of months being home and being unemployed my older brother called me and offered me a job doing door to door sales during the summer of 2014 for a retailer of Directv. I snatched up the opportunity and began my first summer home knocking on people's doors in Texas, Kansas, and Nebraska. My plan was to never live in Arizona again, I was going to live in Utah! I think that Someone Else had a different plan for me though. Weeks before the summer season ended and I was going to live in Utah I felt like I needed to go home, back to Arizona. Which I did, thankfully.
     She went back to Arizona about a week before I did. The day that I got home my family told me that she had been over for dinner the night before. I thought about her off and on during the following week as I applied for jobs and figured out what I was going to do next with my life. That Sunday, August 10th was the day that would change my life forever.
     I got up that morning and got ready for church. As I drove she popped in and out of my thoughts, I hoped that I would get a chance to see her there. A few minutes before the meeting started I got up to use the restroom. On my way there I saw her, Brandi Harlan. The girl that I had known for years but hadn't seen for nearly 3 of them, was right in front of me. We exchanged an awkward hello as I rushed past her to go to the bathroom.
     After the meeting I asked her to come over to my house so that we could catch up and maybe watch a movie or something, to which she politely consented. After that the rest is history! We spent the rest of that day together as well as every day since. After a few weeks I asked her to be my girlfriend and a few months after that I got down on one knee in front of the castle at Disneyland and asked her to be my wife, lucky for me she liked me enough to say yes! We were married in the Gilbert, Arizona temple on February 14th, 2015 (yes, that is Valentine's Day). We have now been married for what will be 11 months in a couple of days now.  I can't imagine being happier with the woman that I am sharing my everything with. She amazes me every single day in more ways than one. You will all come to know her fairly well as you read my blog posts in the coming weeks and months.
     Now, let me explain my blog a little bit. Brandi has a blog, and a YouTube, and a vine, and a twitter, etc. and has so much passion for them that I though it might be fun to try having one myself. It also helps that she reminds me that I want a blog. That is why I made this blog. You may ask why about marriage, and why 50 Things I Have Learned About Marriage?
Frankly, my marriage is the most important thing in my life and as such is my favorite topic. Also, this blog is actually not for the readers, let me explain. My idea is that by having a blog that I have to be concious of every week I will really evaluate my marriage and myself more deeply than I normally would. In short, this blog is actually for me and my marriage, because of the nature of this blog my hope is to gain more insight into who I am as a man, husband, and future father and become better than I am.
     Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for anyone and everyone who reads what I have to say because who knows, maybe I can help someone in their marriage? Maybe one of you can help me in mine? I would love for either one to happen, and if not then hey, I made a blog to better myself and nobody read it, oh well. I want people to read my blog for one reason only and that is to learn from my mistakes and successes and maybe have a better relationship because of it.
     Also, 50 Things That I Have Learned About Marriage, there is one for every week in 2016. So every week I will post one thing that I have learned about marriage and when the year is over there will be 50!
     There you have it, the introduction is over! Now comes the fun part, let's write some blog posts! Oh, and by the way, feel free to comment any time on anything that I post, comments are not only welcome, they are encouraged. I want to better myself remember? Don't be afraid to give your input. Also, if you have any ideas or questions for future topics I would love to hear them. Thanks everybody! My first thing that I have learned about marriage will be posted on January 12th, 2016 so hop on then and see what it is! Thanks everybody!

This is Brandi and I at our high school graduation.

Here we are as a newly engaged couple :)

This was on our wedding day!